i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
