She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
