Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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