my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
