I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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