if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
