Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Randomize
