wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
