The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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