Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
