you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
