break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
