this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
