you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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