covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
All I want is dick and wine.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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