who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I could make wine with my vomit
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
