so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
