I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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