just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
