Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
