Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
