I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize