end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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