If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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