My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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