I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
