She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
