Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
