I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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