A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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