I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
