i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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