Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
