A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
