He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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