bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Randomize
