She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
