I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
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You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
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I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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