So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We are two peas in an std pod
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
