Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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