We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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