god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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