I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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