I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
