Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
