i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This house was built for laser tag.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
