you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
