Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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