just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
