Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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