i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
