my phone needs a breathalizer
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
