Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Randomize
