Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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