You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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