I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
