Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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