I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
