Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious