i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
